Meeting The Family

Catfish has met a girl. He met a really nice girl, a girl he likes a lot. I know he likes her a lot just because he told us about her. At first, I somewhat doubted whether or not the girl actually existed anywhere but in his imagination. However, we saw photos of the two of them trout fishing with Jen in Georgia. So, clearly she’s real. Jen has confirmed this.

So, Landi and I wanted to meet her. Catfish cautiously agreed, with the provision that I at least make an effort to appear ‘normal’. I eagerly agreed to give it my best shot.

In reflecting on the prospect of meeting this girl, I thought back to when my wife Landi met my parents for the first time. In November of 1991, I moved to Allentown, Pennsylvania and began living in a 200 year old, haunted hotel while I helped my client, Air Products and Chemicals, learn to use a process manufacturing software package called Cimpro. By March 1992, I had met a young, beautiful, very smart IT professional with strawberry blonde hair and a deep love of beer, buffalo wings and football. I was smitten.

After dating for a few weeks, I called Mom and Dad. I told them I had met a girl. I knew that they thought that I was all alone and far away in a very cold, very strange place. I just wanted them to know that, though this place was far stranger than they could ever imagine, I wasn’t alone there. I had found a kindred spirit, a very special girl, a girl I liked a lot. As I explained this, the other end of the phone line went silent. For a few seconds, no sounds at all came from the other end. Nothing but silence. Finally, after what seemed like a full minute Dad, in that old Mississippi accent that only dad could use properly, said “Boy, you know, you can’t marry them all.”

Given my history, that’s a fair comment.

So, a trip to Arkansas was planned. Mom and Dad were going to meet Landi. The weekend of the July the 4^th was selected. Mom loved to decorate for the fourth, and this was the perfect occasion for a introductory visit. Mom pinged my brother Matt and his wife Susan to save the date. My sister Sweet Pea and her husband Tony were put on notice. A fine dinner in the dining room at Mom and Dad’s house was planned. What could possibly go wrong?

On the appointed evening, Mom presented a wonderful, elegant dinner at the big table beneath the crystal chandelier in the formal dining room. The first course was a beautiful and tasty salad with home made blue cheese dressing. People who don’t like blue cheese dressing like Mom’s blue cheese dressing. Landi loved it. Mom always loved salads and no meal was complete without a colorful salad. After the salad, came the steak. Mom and Dad both loved Ribeye steaks, and Dad always cooked them perfectly to medium rare. He used a timer. He was, after all, a scientist at heart. The steak was complemented with a baked potato with all the good stuff. There were Pillsbury crescent rolls. Landi enjoyed her dinner and the relaxed, general conversation that came with it. Dinner was followed by cocktails, Old Forester Bourbon and water on the rocks. After dinner, Susan and Sweet Pea helped Mom clear the table while Matt and Tony stayed for the show.

I had no idea what was coming, but I knew something was coming. Just by the way Matt and Tony were acting, I knew they knew something was coming. A dark sense of foreboding, fear, or perhaps a premonition of doom slithered into my consciousness. I began to sweat.

Dad smiled and looked at Landi. He pushed back from the table some. Tony freshened Dad’s drink with fresh ice and more bourbon. Tony finished and quickly sat down, eager to take in what was about to happen. Dad clearly had something up his sleeve.

Dad lit a cigarette and smiled as he reviewed me, Matt and Tony. With his eyes twinkling, he looked back at Landi. He began a very detailed, fifteen minute long review of my dating life. Beginning with my ninth grade girlfriend, everyone I had ever dated even just once had a biographical and personality review. No girl I had ever dated was spared discussion. He discussed each in some detail and was careful to point out what was wrong with each one. Some he liked, some he disliked, but none were spared a very honest and pretty accurate review.

Landi found this all very interesting. She gave me glances after some of Dad’s observations about some of the girls. Landi often smiles with her eyes and, from her eyes, I could tell she was enjoying this a lot. I wasn’t enjoying this at all.

I was uncomfortable. No, I was more than uncomfortable. I was dying a slow death. This could go into the weeds at any moment. Dad never once looked at me. His twinkling blue eyes and mischievous grin were for Landi and Landi alone. Dad was in his prime. He was telling what everyone, except me, found to be a very amusing story. He told the story with amazing recall, attention to detail and no small amount of editorial comment. Landi was enthralled, soaking it all up.

I was in an absolute panic. I had dated some truly wonderful girls in my time, and a few train wrecks. Thanks to Dad, some of the more notorious aspects of my life story, things that I had somehow neglected to mention to Landi, were now laid bare. Dad was reveling in the telling of a long, torturous and sometimes embarrassing story. I honestly couldn’t tell if his purpose was to torture me or warn her. Finally, after what seemed to be an eternity, he reached the end of the story. No more girlfriends. No more ex-wives. The End.

Or so I thought.

Quite satisfied with himself, Dad lit another cigarette. He took a sip from his cocktail. He looked at Landi, and smiled. He leaned back and got comfortable in his chair. He had that look in his eye that told me that this wasn’t over. He had a grand finale up his sleeve.

Dad relaxed a bit, paused and, looking Landi straight in the eye, with a very clinical doctor voice, said “Well now, Miss Landi, just what the hell is wrong with you?”

The silence that fell across the room was quickly shattered by the crash of a dish that slipped from my mother’s hand followed closely by my mother’s shocked and horrified voice calling out from the kitchen in a profound Mississippi hill country accent breaking “Bill!” into two distinct syllables.

As Dad, very proud of himself, snickered and as Landi laughed out loud, I just didn’t know what to think. Finally, Landi caught her breath. She looked him dead in the eye. In a strong, confident and clearly amused voice said “Not one damn thing, Dadddoc.”

Dad smiled that smile that tells you he likes this girl. He snickered some more and smiled that big smile of his. He looked at me, and gave me a little nod as he took a sip of bourbon. Proud of himself, and very impressed with Landi, he enjoyed the moment.

As I reflect on Landi meeting Mom and Dad for the first time, I remembered my promise to try to act ‘normal’ when we are introduced to Catfish’s girlfriend.