May 10th 1994, Landi and I departed Jamaica much wiser than when we arrived there some ten days prior. We were there for our honeymoon. In our ten wonderful days there, we learned much about a wonderful island, its’ people, its’ culture and ourselves.
I, for one, learned to never let a drunk woman put sun block on you. After our first day in the sun, I looked like a burnt pink tiger striped camo pattern. The next day, the formerly drunk woman will ask you what you were thinking when you let her put sun block on you. Do not reply “I thought I would get sun block applied”. I had been married twice before, so I knew there is no ‘win’ there. I just asked my bride if she would like another mango daiquiri.
Secondly, I learned not to engage in a conversation while engaging in an early morning run on a treadmill. If you become distracted, you might miss-step, and before you can say “Armageddon’ you will be shot off the back of the treadmill like a flaming hamster fired from someone’s exploding rectum. The person with whom you had been conversing in such a mature and sophisticated manner will laugh like a damn hyena, and then order another bloodymary for you. You will find him to be an ‘interesting’ person whose occupation is somewhat ‘undefined…finance…sorta…’. He only deals in cash, and keeps forgetting his name.
Another cool thing about Jamaica is the abundance of Rum. A bottle of rum was the prize in every contest held by our resort. Landi and I are both very competitive. I won the swimming contest, and she won the beer drinking contest, every day. We accumulated a several enemies and a hell of a lot of rum.
If you are asked to participate in a wedding for the ‘interesting person’ you met earlier, do so. It will be a lot of fun. Conversations with the bride and groom will lead you to conclude that at least one of them is currently in the witness protection program or will soon be.
Dun’s River falls are a must do thing while in Jamaica. Note, it is a hell of a climb. Wear shoes. You probably want to be sober when you start the climb. That’s just a guess because Landi and I started the climb at about 9:00AM so, obviously, we were not.
When you land at the airport in Jamaica, before you do anything else, buy a 12 pack of beer. You will want it for the bus ride to your resort. Be prepared. Your bus driver will be as stoned as it is humanly possible to be. He will drive like no one else has a right to be on the road and will pay little attention to the actual act of driving. Do not weep. Along the ‘road’, and I use that term loosely, you will see the burned out hulks of buses that (1) missed the turn, (2) were run off the road or (3) were driven by your driver last week. Do not be afraid. It will do no good. Just shut up and drink the beer. You will stop after about an hour. Go take a leak, get back on the bus, and do not let them see fear.
On arrival, expect to be stunned by the beauty of the place. Our resort, Couples, was near Ochos Rios on the north side of the island. Our room had not only a beautiful view of the naked island, but it looked out over the open sea. Nothing between us and Cuba but naked island and water. The naked island, only a quarter mile away, is where the nudists went to get naked. I may have permanently strained my eyes.
Jamaica values it’s tourist trade. It values it so much that if there is any civil disturbance near by they deploy federal police to protect the resorts. The federal police are very well armed, and have frequently received training in the US. I know this because I had coffee with some federal police one morning while we were there. I noticed on this particular morning that there were a half dozen very nicely dressed men having coffee with the staff and me. I get up early, so I usually had coffee with the staff. On this morning, there were a bunch of guys with nice suits, body armor and automatic weapons having coffee with us. They assured me there was nothing to worry about. It may just be me, but if they felt the need for body armor and automatic weapons, I think I should have some too.
It was on the way back to the airport for the flight, via a Miami layover, back to the real world, that I had an epiphany. I realized that this would probably be the beginning of the best days of my life. Make no mistake, I realized that these days marked the beginning of a new life; a life with someone who brought new meaning to my life, whose happiness and comfort was more important to me than my own, a person whose smile and blue eyes could change my whole day, someone who loves me despite all my flaws, problems, nightmares and smells.
It occurred to me that I would spend the rest of my life with this person who always smiles when she sleeps.
In twenty nine years you learn a lot. On our honeymoon I learned to never let her put sun block on me and never, ever schedule a four hour layover in Miami.
Go Ahead, Get on the bus!
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