Many years ago, I took my daughters, ages 3 and 4, to see a movie. I remembered going to movies with my mom when I was a kid. Mom always picked stuff like “The Sound of Music” or “Mary Poppins”. Though ‘The Sound of Music’ eventually became one of my favorite movies of all time, when I was eight years old or so, it sucked. I did not care for it at all. Don’t even get me started on “Mary Poppins”.
So, I was eager not to repeat my mother’s errors in terms of movie choices. It just so happened that a movie was out with Kevin Costner in it. He’s a good guy, I thought. He makes good movies, and I was somewhat familiar with the story. This, I thought, was going to be a good time!
So, Jen and Jordan and I went to the Malco Tri-Cinima in Jonesboro….but it wasn’t the Tri-Cinima anymore. There were about 10 movie screens available. The three of us walked in, and after an obligatory visit to the restroom, we zeroed in on the concession stand. A large Popcorn and Sprites were ordered. Who the hell knew they sold buttered popcorn by the bushel and Sprite by the gallon? Ok. This is going to be a learning experience.
We wandered down the hall until we came to the ‘theater’ that was showing our movie. We walked through the dark curtins into the theater. It was tiny, maybe 100 seats. What the hell happened to the giant cavernous rooms they used to show movies in?
We sat down in the center of an empty row in the center of the room. There were eight other people in the room. Most were just a few rows in front of us. We chit-chatted while the 30 minutes of movie previews were shown. The movie trailers were loud and violent and unrelenting. They were everything I would have loved as an eight year old boy, but absolutely not what I was expecting to be previewed while waiting for a kid’s movie. I was not pleased with the theater’s choices.
Finally, the movie
starts. Our hero’s father, an English Lord, is penning a letter
inquiring about his son who apparently is being held in a prison far,
far away when suddenly he is interrupted by a villager in need of
assistance with ruffians of some sort. As any good English Lord
would do, he donned his armor, mounted his steed and rode out to
confront the villager’s tormentor. Unfortunately, he was met just
outside his castle by a band of armed men who were waiting to attack
him.
To say that Jen and Jordan were bothered by this
scene is something understatement. I thought it was a bit violent
for a kid’s movie. After coxing them out from under the seats, I
tried to calm them down and assure them that the bad men were not
going to bother Kevin Costner’s father. “They just want to talk
some”, I said.
As the scene shifted to a dark and obviously dangerous prison somewhere, I was having my doubts that this was a kid’s movie. One of the guards accused one of the prisoners of stealing bread. As a consequence, the guard was about to cut off the prisoners hand using a sword and a chopping block. CHOP OFF HIS HAND WITH SWORD?
What the hell kind of nut put’s this sort of stuff in a kid’s movie? It got worse, Kevin Costner, much to my daughter’s dismay, took the place of the accused prisoner saying “I’ll show you English Courage”. The girls turned on the water works. Tears fell like rain. Kevin Costner extended his hand. Between gasps and tears, one of my daughters wailed “He’s not gonna cut off Kevin Costner’s hand is he?” I was frozen in time. Another guard wrapped a leather strap around Kevin Costner’s wrist so he could not movie his hand. “Daddy! Is he going to cut off Kevin Costner’s hand?” screamed the girls in unison. The two couples in the rows in front of us began to shuush us. The girls were nearing hysteria. Kevin Costner was about to get his hand cut off! There was no calming them down.
Just as the guard swung the huge sword down toward Kevin Costner’s hand, Costner yanked back on the strap really hard. The girls launched a bushel buttered popcorn and two gallons on Sprite high into the air as they flinched in their seats on seeing this. In pulling back like he did, Kevin Costner pulled the other guards hand on to the block and it was summarily cut off by the sword! Kevin Costner then picked up the sword and killed every guard in the room! The girls were under the seats again, wailing like tornado sirens. The folks sitting in front of us were shouting about being covered in popcorn and Sprite.
The movie stopped, lights came on, and with the assistance of the management, we left the movie.
Just an observation: “Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves” is not a child’s movie.
To this day, my children still refuse to go to movies with me.
4796
Leave a Reply